Thursday, May 15, 2008

Coming Clean

We need to have a talk.

Clearly, I've not been as bloggy as usual these past few months - semi-monthly posts with not very exciting content abound. Truth is, I'm kind of tired. Not of blogging, per se, but there's a lot going on and it's hard for me to put on the whole happy bloggy show. For some period of time now, I've been putting up an inordinately cheery front for the benefit of those around me while increasingly defending myself against questions as to what I did or didn't do, or was perceived to have done or not done. I'm exhausted, wearing down, and retreating more and more - for the past several weeks I've done little else than drive to the bus stop, get to work, get back on the bus, drive back home, and then hide there until the next time the bus is scheduled to leave. I've allowed myself to be dragged from the house precious little. Plus, the trouble with being an empath is that when someone close is upset or losing sleep, so am I - which of course then leads me to struggle with being available to others. And the other trouble with being an empath is that the "but this is nothing - think how bad it is for, say, the people of Dujiangyan in China - you're really lucky!" argument only serves to upset things further by promoting an emotional response on that mess.

All this is not to elicit responses of sympathy or offers of support - I know they're out there and I appreciate them all - nor is it to point a one's responsible for my current state, much of which is self-inflicted by my own nature. The purpose of this is to offer some form of explanation to anyone who wonders why I don't post, why I don't comment, why I don't call, why I don't respond to a comment or an email or two or six. I've been making lots of excuses because I hate to admit that maybe I'm just a little worn down for interaction at this point. Failure to be a friend is really never excusable, but as much as is possible, I'll hope you'll forgive me my absence or my distance.

And if I'm not blogging, it's for fairly good reason - the only thing worse than having to listen to someone bitch endlessly is having to listen to them fake a sunny disposition to try to cover up how much they'd like to bitch endlessly.